Bill Bradney Has a Problem

by Michael T. Smith

CHARACTERS

BRADNEY………An agitated man in his thirties.

DOCTOR………An atypical Freudian of roughly the same age, preferably female.

We are in a psychiatrist’s office lined with books. A man, BRADNEY, is lying on the proverbial coach whilst speaking with his DOCTOR.

DOCTOR

Tell me about your problem again, Mr. Bradney?

BRADNEY

(very hesitant)

I-I don’t know if I want to talk about it…

DOCTOR

Well now Mr. Bradney, talking is why we’re here. This is a safe place, a place where you—where anyone—can feel comfortable and perfectly at ease [Pause as BRADNEY exhales with relief] Is this a sexual anxiety?

BRADNEY

No, no! None of that penis-worry crap…[shocked] Why do you even ask that? I thought that was all passé.

DOCTOR

Nothing is passé in the mind…well, except repression.

BRADNEY stands up and reads a diploma on the wall. He points to it.

BRADNEY

Do you…need all those things up there?

DOCTOR

They’re there to build trust.

BRADNEY

I mean is there a group of uncertified psychiatrists dishing out poor advice out there?

DOCTOR

Sure, they’re called “the public.”

BRADNEY

(a bit softly)

I think I’d be more open if you weren’t certified…

DOCTOR

Is that a defense mechanism?

BRADNEY quickly speaks the following line (it is meant that he was not listening to the DOCTOR).

BRADNEY

No, it’s a defense mechanism…I’m nervous about this.

DOCTOR

Mr. Bradney, I can assure you’re not alone in having anxiety about therapy. It’s normal, but it’s something we can address. Let’s begin talking about our cycle of influence.

BRADNEY

(flustered)

No, that’s not what I mean.

Beat.

DOCTOR

Where does this fear come from?

BRADNEY

I don’t know…

DOCTOR

Do you feel close to your father?

BRADNEY

No.

DOCTOR

Is this a latent fear of your father?

BRADNEY

No.

DOCTOR

Could it be a fear stemming from your father?

BRADNEY

(more emphatically)

No.

Pause.

DOCTOR

(slowly, as if deducing this)

I suspect it was your father…Tell me more about him.

BRADNEY rubs his hands together pacing the office.

BRADNEY

Uh, he died of a heart attack six years ago.

DOCTOR

Do you have a history of heart disease in your family?

BRADNEY

Yes. My father.

DOCTOR

(Sympathetically)

I’m very sorry it took him from us.

BRADNEY

Oh, the heart attack didn’t kill him. Knocked him down but didn’t kill him—he would have been fine; it was the stress from his insurance that really did him in.

DOCTOR

I see…

BRADNEY

Which is…kind of why I’m here. Listen please, I’m concerned over money.

Beat.

DOCTOR

Money concerns are very common, especially in today’s economy.

BRADNEY

(With snark)

Oh, I think they have a long history.

DOCTOR

Why don’t you try articulating what your worries are specifically?

BRADNEY

Ok [Pause] I’m very concerned about money problems.

DOCTOR

(Quickly waving him on)

Let’s talk it through.

The general pace in which they speak to each other increases greatly from here on out.

BRADNEY

But that’s the thing…talking about it only makes it worse. Your solution makes it worse because I get obsessed about it.

DOCTOR

And we can discuss that. I’m an expert at obsessions. I…frankly can’t get enough of them.

BRADNEY

(interrupting)

Yeah, that’s all well and good…but it takes time to discuss this.

DOCTOR

In which we can talk about solutions…

BRADNEY

But you don’t understand me! It gets worse the more we talk about it.

DOCTOR

So the more solutions I offer—

BRADNEY

The more it all adds up.

DOCTOR

Problems?

BRADNEY

(Frustrated)

Time.

They get excited talking with each other. BILL, in particular, gestures wildly.

DOCTOR

(slightly confused)

The more time I talk, you mean?

BRADNEY

Which is the more help you give…

DOCTOR

Which is also the more problems I give…?

BRADNEY

(pointing an excited finger)

Exactly!

Long pause.

DOCTOR

Well, I don’t think we understand each other.

BRADNEY

Ok, yes. So we’re finally on the same page!

DOCTOR

(head snapping upwards)

We are?

BRADNEY begins to pace the room excitedly.

BRADNEY

Yes, that’s exactly what I’ve been saying. It’s not like I can just write a wanted ad to pay for this: “Wanted: money, no reasonable offer refused.”

DOCTOR

Aaand no offer would be reasonable.

BRADNEY

(muttering)

Well, reasonably speaking…

DOCTOR

(readjusting himself and the conversation)

These money concerns—

BRADNEY

No, no, no, it’s not just money concerns. It’s the concern of paying you.

Beat.

DOCTOR

For therapy?

BRADNEY

(shouting)

For what else…? Doctor, you’re only making this worse.

They stand up and face opposite sides of the room at this point, musing to themselves. The DOCTOR speaks slowly as she processes this all.

DOCTOR

(biting her nails)

Let me recap for just a moment…you’re coming here to talk about your anxiety, correct?

BRADNEY

Yes…my anxiety over money.

DOCTOR

Which is your sole anxiety.

BRADNEY

Amongst all the others, yes.

DOCTOR

Which you feel—and I do say commonly enough—

BRADNEY

(urgently)

Can we hustle this thing up?

DOCTOR

—is causing you stress?

BRADNEY sighs, but they continue to speak quickly with little break. The speed of conversation will enable the joke.

BRADNEY

Yes, so that I feel like…

DOCTOR

…you would want to touch…

BRADNEY

…a child…

DOCTOR

…deeply and intimately…

BRADNEY

(heartfelt)

…And I want myself to grow…

DOCTOR

…a certain part of yourself…

BRADNEY

…until I feel…good, really g—

Long pause as BRADNEY hears their combined statements in his head.

BRADNEY (cont.)

WHAT!?

The DOCTOR awkwardly returns to the conversation at hand.

DOCTOR

Y-you were concerned about spending money.

BRADNEY

Yes. But let me be clear: I am mainly concerned with the cost of these sessions. Nothing else is…is gouging me.

Pause.

DOCTOR

Then why attend these sessions? Once again, the following is delivered very quickly, each response on the previous line’s heel.

BRADNEY

Because I’m stressed!

DOCTOR

About paying for these sessions?

BRADNEY

That’s what I just said.

DOCTOR

Then don’t come.

BRADNEY

But I need to come to air out my anxiety.

DOCTOR

But your anxiety is over coming.

BRADNEY

It is…as is the solution.

DOCTOR

As is the solution, what?

BRADNEY

(enunciating heavily)

Overcoming.

DOCTOR (chipperly)

Oh, good.

BRADNEY

(shaking his head in defeat)

No, not good…bad. It is overcoming…as in it is defeating me.

DOCTOR

Your anxiety or the solution?

BRADNEY

Yes.

Beat.

DOCTOR

Huh?

Again, they pause from the intense miscommunication. BRADNEY spots a Freud bobble head on the desk.

BRADNEY

Is that a Freud bobble head.

DOCTOR

Yes.

BRADNEY

(pause, then mumbling)

It’s…not very Freudian, is it?

Beat.

DOCTOR

I’m sorry…is this a game to you?

BRADNEY

(musing deeply)

Well, I suppose people have called life a game before, sure. It’s all a bit cliché, but—never mind—focus, doctor.

DOCTOR

(almost as if she were frightened)

I must admit I’m having a little trouble here.

BRADNEY

(reassuring)

You’ll do fine.

DOCTOR

I’m just not sure I’m following you…

BRADNEY is looking empathetically at her with his hands folded. Perhaps she had even gotten up during the discussion, and they have switched places.

BRADNEY

Do you want to talk about it? The DOCTOR shakes her head, confused in thought.

DOCTOR

Ok, ok, ok…Let me clarify this once and for all. You’re stressed about money?

BRADNEY

Yes.

DOCTOR

Specifically and only the money that you spend coming to these sessions?

BRADNEY

Yes.

DOCTOR

So hypothetically…if you didn’t come to these sessions, you would have no cost to be worried about?

BRADNEY

Yes.

Pause.

DOCTOR

(loudly)

So don’t come to these sessions!

BRADNEY

But if I didn’t come to these sessions, how would I deal with my stress?

DOCTOR

But this is your stress.

BRADNEY

Yes.

DOCTOR

Then…leave.

BRADNEY

(louder)

But I’m stressed.

DOCTOR

But what causes your stress in the first place? Where does this stress originate from?

BRADNEY

These sessions…that is, their cost.

DOCTOR (losing her cool)

THEN DON’T COME!

BRADNEY moves his mouth as he tries to find the words in his ire.

BRADNEY

And find no reprieve through coming? What would…what would Freud say about that?

DOCTOR

(sighing)

We’re talking in circles…saying the same thing over and over unendingly…it’s like watching some play acted out before you with the same dialogue repeated back and forth.

BRADNEY

No, it isn’t.

DOCTOR

Yes, it is.

BRADNEY

No, it isn’t.

DOCTOR

Yes, it is.

BRADNEY

No, it isn’t.

The DOCTOR plants her face in her palm and slowly articulates the following before the conversation speeds up again.

DOCTOR

Why pay a psychiatrist to talk about the stress of paying a psychiatrist?

BRADNEY

(scoffing)

Who the hell else am I supposed to talk to?

DOCTOR

But you can eliminate this stress.

BRADNEY

Yes, by talking to a psychiatrist!

DOCTOR

Which feeds this stress…

BRADNEY

Yes, that’s the problem!

DOCTOR

It is the problem!

BRADNEY

Exactly!

DOCTOR

So why are you here?

BRADNEY

Haven’t you been listening?

The DOCTOR takes a pause to collect herself.

DOCTOR

But what I’m saying is simple: without a bill, you would have nothing to talk about—no charge, no stress, no, no, no… no reason to worry in the first place.

` BRADNEY

But I’m already stressed, doctor. Brief pause.

BRADNEY (cont.)

I’m already here. I already have the problem. It’s not starting. It’s not the new psychological fad of the decade I wrapped up inside of my head and…and wham, bam, poof, viola! ‘tis done my fair nut. It’s not ‘don’t go to a psychiatrist’ as if we could time travel. You miss the point. It’s…it is. Here I am. I’m here. At a psychiatrist…already pre- stressed from having gone to a psychiatrist. Thus, making me further stressed—already paying, i.e. now and needing now to talk about that stress of having paid and currently paying to talk about the pre-existing stress of having paid. I need to talk about getting away from a psychiatrist!

DOCTOR

Then go see a psychiatrist!

A timer dings in the office. There is a long pause between them…too long

DOCTOR (cont.)

Well, until next week then.

Lights down.

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